Despite the loud busking music, arcade lights and swarms of people, it was hard to be distracted from the corner street stall serving steaming cupfuls of tteokbokki — a medley of rice cake and fish cake covered in a concoction of hot sweet sauce. I gulped when I felt my friend tugging on the sleeve of my jacket, anticipating that he wanted to try it. After all, I promised to treat him out if he visited me in Korea over winter break.

盡管有喧鬧的街頭音樂、街燈和熙熙攘攘的人群，人們還是很難不被街角的小攤所吸引。小攤上賣著熱氣騰騰的炒年糕——一種米糕和魚糕的結(jié)合體，上面涂著甜辣醬。我咽了一口口水，然后我感覺到我的朋友在拽我的夾克袖子，我以為他想嘗試一下。畢竟，我答應(yīng)過，如果他寒假去韓國看我，我就請他出去玩。

The cups of tteokbokki, garnished with sesame leaves and tempura, was a high-end variant of the street food, nothing like the kind from my childhood. Its price of 3,500 Korean won was also nothing like I recalled, either, simply charged more for being sold on a busy street. If I denied the purchase, I could console my friend and brother by purchasing more substantial meals elsewhere. Or we could spend on overpriced food now to indulge in the immediate gratification of a convenient but ephemeral snack.

炒年糕的杯中放著芝麻葉和天婦羅，這是一種高端街頭小吃，跟我小時候吃的一點都不像。它的價格是3500韓元，跟我記得的也不一樣，只是在繁華的街道上賣的價格更高。如果我不買我可以在其他地方買更豐盛的飯菜來安慰我的朋友和兄弟。或者，我們可以現(xiàn)在就把錢花在昂貴的食物上，以享受方便但短暫的零食帶來的即時滿足感。

At every seemingly inconsequential expenditure, I weigh the pros and cons of possible purchases as if I held my entire fate in my hands. To be generously hospitable, but recklessly drain the travel allowance we needed to stretch across two weeks? Or to be budgetarily shrewd, but possibly risk being classified as stingy? That is the question, and a calculus I so dearly detest.

每一筆看似無關(guān)緊要的支出，我都會權(quán)衡可能購買的東西的利弊，就好像我的命運掌握在自己手中一樣。慷慨好客，卻不顧一切地花掉我們兩周的差旅費? 或者在預(yù)算上精打細(xì)算，但可能會被歸類為吝嗇? 這個問題讓我深惡痛絕。

Unable to secure subsequent employment and saddled by alimony complications, there was no room in my dad’s household to be embarrassed by austerity or scraping for crumbs. Ever since I was taught to dilute shampoo with water, I’ve revised my formula to reduce irritation to the eye. Every visit to a fast-food chain included asking for a sheet of discount coupons — the parameters of all future menu choice — and a past receipt containing the code of a completed survey to redeem for a free cheeseburger. Exploiting combinations of multiple promotions to maximize savings at such establishments felt as thrilling as cracking war cryptography, critical for minimizing cash casualties.

在我父親的家庭里，由于無法獲得工作，又要承擔(dān)贍養(yǎng)費的沉重負(fù)擔(dān)，我爸爸沒有為經(jīng)濟拮據(jù)或衣食無憂而感到尷尬的余地。自從有人教我用水稀釋洗發(fā)水后，我就修改了自己的配方，以減少對眼睛的刺激。每次去一家快餐連鎖店，他們都要一張折扣券——所有未來菜單選擇的參數(shù)——和一張包含已完成調(diào)查代碼的之前的收據(jù)，用它來換取一個免費的芝士漢堡。利用多種促銷活動的組合來最大化這類機構(gòu)的儲蓄，感覺就像破解戰(zhàn)爭密碼一樣令人興奮，而破解密碼對于減少現(xiàn)金支出至關(guān)重要。

However, while disciplined restriction of expenses may be virtuous in private, at outings, even those amongst friends, spending less — when it comes to status — paradoxically costs more. In Asian family-style eating customs, a dish ordered is typically available to everyone, and the total bill, regardless of what you did or did not consume, is divided evenly. Too ashamed to ask for myself to be excluded from paying for dishes I did not order or partake in, I’ve opted out of invitations to meals altogether. I am wary even of meals where the inviting host has offered to treat everyone, fearful that if I only attended “free meals” I would be pinned as a parasite.

然而，雖然在私人場合嚴(yán)格限制開支可能是有益的，但在外出時，甚至在朋友之間，花得越少，成本更高。在亞洲家庭的飲食習(xí)慣中，通常每個人都可以點一道菜，而總賬單，無論你吃了什么或沒吃，都是平均分配的。因為不好意思要求自己不為我沒點或沒吃的菜付錢，所以我決定不接受邀請吃飯。我甚至對主人請客的情況都很警惕，擔(dān)心如果我只蹭飯，我會被視為寄生蟲。

Although I can now conduct t-tests to extract correlations between multiple variables, calculate marginal propensities to import and assess whether a developing country elsewhere in the world is at risk of becoming stuck in the middle-income trap, my day-to-day decisions still revolve around elementary arithmetic. I feel haunted, cursed by the compulsion to diligently subtract pennies from purchases hoping it will eventually pile up into a mere dollar, as if the slightest misjudgment in a single buy would tip my family’s balance sheet into irrecoverable poverty.

盡管我現(xiàn)在可以進行t檢測來提取多個變量之間的相關(guān)性，計算邊際進口傾向，并評估世界其他地方的發(fā)展中國家是否有陷入中等收入陷阱的風(fēng)險，但我的日常決策仍然圍繞著基本的算術(shù)。我總有種揮之不去的感覺，被一種努力從購買中減去一分錢的沖動所詛咒，希望它最終會堆積成一美元，好像一次購買中最輕微的誤判就會讓我的家庭陷入無法彌補的貧困之中。

Will I ever stop stressing over overspending?

我能停止為過度消費而感到壓力嗎?

I’m not sure I ever will.

我不確定我以后會不會。

But I do know this. As I handed over 7,000 won in exchange for two cups of tteokbokki to share amongst the three of us — my friend, my brother and myself — I am reminded that even if we are not swimming in splendor, we can still uphold our dignity through the generosity of sharing. Restricting one’s conscience only around ruminating which roads will lead to riches risks blindness toward rarer wealth: friends and family who do not measure one’s worth based on their net worth. Maybe one day, such rigorous monitoring of financial activity won’t be necessary, but even if not, this is still enough.

但我知道一點。當(dāng)我交出7000韓元,以換取兩杯炒年糕，我和我的朋友,我哥哥我們?nèi)齻€共享，我意識到了我們?nèi)匀豢梢酝ㄟ^共享的慷慨維護我們的尊嚴(yán)。把一個人的良心局限在思考哪些道路才能發(fā)財致富，可能會使他對更稀有的財富視而不見:朋友和家人不以凈資產(chǎn)來衡量一個人的價值。也許有一天，這種對金融活動的嚴(yán)格監(jiān)控對我來說將不再必要，但即使不是，朋友和家長也足夠了。

“Pull down your mask, sweetheart, so I can see that pretty smile.”

"摘下你的面具，親愛的，讓我看到你美麗的笑容"

I returned a well-practiced smile with just my eyes, as the eight guys started their sixth bottle of Brunello di Montalcino. Their carefree banter bordered on heckling. Ignoring their comments, I stacked dishes heavy with half-eaten rib-eye steaks and truffle risotto. As I brought their plates to the dish pit, I warned my female co-workers about the increasingly drunken rowdiness at Table 44.

當(dāng)那八個人開始喝他們的第六瓶布魯奈洛迪蒙塔爾奇諾時，我用眼睛報以一個熟練的微笑。他們無憂無慮的戲謔，幾乎是在起哄了。我不理會他們的評論，把吃了一半的肋眼牛排和松露意大利調(diào)味飯堆進盤子里。當(dāng)我把她們的盤子端到盤子池時，我警告了我的女同事：44號桌喝多了，很吵鬧。

This was not the first time I’d felt uncomfortable at work. When I initially presented my résumé to the restaurant manager, he scanned me up and down, barely glancing at the piece of paper. “Well, you’ve got no restaurant experience, but you know, you package well. When can you start?” I felt his eyes burn through me. That’s it? No pretense of a proper interview? “Great,” I said, thrilled at the prospect of earning good money. At the same time, reduced to the way I “package,” I felt degraded.

這不是我第一次在工作中感到不舒服。一開始我把我的簡歷提交給餐廳經(jīng)理時，他上下打量了我一下，幾乎沒有看簡歷。“嗯，你沒有餐館的經(jīng)驗，但是你知道，你長得不錯。你什么時候可以開始上班?” 我感到他的眼睛灼燒著我的身體。就這? 沒有假裝成正式的采訪? “太好了，”我說，想到能掙到好多錢，我就激動不已。與此同時，淪落到我“包裝”自己的方式，我覺得自己受到了貶低。

I thought back to my impassioned feminist speech that won the eighth-grade speech contest. I lingered on the moments that, as the leader of my high school’s F-Word Club, I had redefined feminism for my friends who initially rejected the word as radical. But in these instances, I realized how my notions of equality had been somewhat theoretical — a passion inspired by the words of Malala and R.B.G. — but not yet lived or compromised.

我回想起我在八年級演講比賽中贏得的那篇充滿激情的女權(quán)主義演講。作為高中時f字俱樂部的領(lǐng)導(dǎo)，我為朋友們重新定義了女權(quán)主義，而這些朋友最初拒絕這個概念太激進了。但在這些情況下，我意識到我的平等觀念多少有點理論化—只是一種受到馬拉拉和R.B.G話語啟發(fā)的激情—但還沒有真正體驗過，也沒有被真正被挑戰(zhàn)過。

The restaurant has become my real-world classroom, the pecking order transparent and immutable. All the managers, the decision makers, are men. They set the schedules, determine the tip pool, hire pretty young women to serve and hostess, and brazenly berate those below them. The V.I.P. customers are overwhelmingly men, the high rollers who drop thousands of dollars on drinks, and feel entitled to palm me, a 17-year-old, their phone numbers rolled inside a wad of cash.

餐廳已經(jīng)成為我現(xiàn)實世界的教室，等級制度透明且不可改變。所有的經(jīng)理和決策者都是男性。他們制定時間表，決定小費數(shù)額，雇傭年輕漂亮的女人來服務(wù)和招待，還厚顏無恥地斥責(zé)職位低于自己的人。貴賓客戶絕大多數(shù)是男性，他們是揮金如金的人，在酒上花上數(shù)千美元，他們覺得有資格把電話號碼卷在一沓現(xiàn)金里，然后塞到我這個17歲的孩子手里。

Angry customers, furious they had mistakenly received penne instead of pane, initially rattled me. I have since learned to assuage and soothe. I’ve developed the confidence to be firm with those who won’t wear a mask or are breathtakingly rude. I take pride in controlling my tables, working 13-hour shifts and earning my own money. At the same time, I’ve struggled to navigate the boundaries of what to accept and where to draw the line. When a staff member continued to inappropriately touch me, I had to summon the courage to address the issue with my male supervisor. Then, it took weeks for the harasser to get fired, only to return to his job a few days later.

憤怒的顧客們誤拿了通心粉而不是玻璃，一開始讓我很惱火。從那以后，我學(xué)會了安撫別人。我培養(yǎng)了對待那些不戴口罩或粗魯?shù)皿@人的人的自信。我很自豪能控制自己的桌子，每天工作13個小時，自給自足。與此同時，我也在試圖把握該接受什么，以及該在哪里劃清界限。有一名員工一直以不恰當(dāng)?shù)姆绞接|摸我，我不得不鼓起勇氣向我的男上司提出這個問題。騷擾者幾周后被解雇，但是他幾天后又回到了工作崗位。

When I received my first paycheck, accompanied by a stack of cash tips, I questioned the compromises I was making. In this physical and mental space, I searched for my identity. It was simple to explore gender roles in a classroom or through complex characters in a Kate Chopin novel. My heroes, trailblazing women such as Simone de Beauvoir and Gloria Steinem, had paved the road for me. In my textbooks, their crusading is history. But the intense Saturday night crucible of the restaurant, with all the unwanted phone numbers, catcalls and wandering hands, jolted me into an unavoidable reckoning with feminism in a professional world.

當(dāng)我拿到第一份薪水，還有一堆現(xiàn)金小費時，我對自己做出的妥協(xié)提出了質(zhì)疑。在這個物質(zhì)和精神的空間里，我試圖尋找自己的身份。探索課堂上的性別角色，或者通過凱特·肖邦小說中的復(fù)雜人物，都很簡單。我心目中的英雄們是開拓性的女性，就像波伏娃和斯泰納姆，她們?yōu)槲忆伷搅说缆贰Ｔ谖业慕炭茣铮齻兊氖周姈|征已經(jīng)成為歷史。但周六晚上餐館里的激烈考驗，充斥著所有不需要的電話號碼、噓聲和亂動的手，讓我在職業(yè)世界里不可避免地想到了女權(quán)主義。

Often, I’ve felt shame; shame that I wasn’t as vocal as my heroes; shame that I feigned smiles and silently pocketed the cash handed to me. Yet, these experiences have been a catalyst for personal and intellectual growth. I am learning how to set boundaries and to use my professional skills as a means of empowerment.

我常常感到羞愧; 遺憾的是我不能像我的英雄們那樣大聲疾呼; 羞愧的是，我假裝微笑，默默地把遞給我的現(xiàn)金裝進了口袋。然而，這些經(jīng)歷一直是個人和智力成長的催化劑。我正在學(xué)習(xí)如何設(shè)定界限，并利用我的專業(yè)技能作為給自己助力的手段。

Constantly re-evaluating my definition of feminism, I am inspired to dive deeply into gender studies and philosophy to better pursue social justice. I want to use politics as a forum for activism. Like my female icons, I want to stop the burden of sexism from falling on young women. In this way, I will smile fully — for myself.

不斷重新審視自己對女權(quán)主義的定義，啟發(fā)我深入地研究性別研究和哲學(xué)，更好地追求社會正義。我想把政治作為激進主義的論壇。就像我的女性偶像們一樣，我想阻止年輕女性們遭受性別歧視。這樣，我將充分地微笑-為我自己。

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惠宜教育 （PrepEdu Consulting LLC）成立于美國教育之都波士頓，是美國本土高端專業(yè)教育咨詢機構(gòu)。惠宜教育是美國獨立教育顧問協(xié)會(IECA)高級資深會員，美國大學(xué)招生咨詢委員會（NACAC）會員，美國招生管理協(xié)會（EMA）會員及EMA 2019年度華盛頓年會鉑金贊助機構(gòu)。創(chuàng)立至今，惠宜教育已經(jīng)幫助來自美國、加拿大、新加坡、香港、澳洲以及中國內(nèi)地許多城市的學(xué)生們成功申請到了優(yōu)質(zhì)的美國初中、高中及大學(xué)，其中絕大多數(shù)是美國東北部頂尖熱門的私立寄宿學(xué)校和非常著名的大學(xué)。作為一家“小而精“的獨立留學(xué)咨詢顧問機構(gòu)，惠宜教育始終把學(xué)生和家長的利益放在首位，秉承“高端、專業(yè)、誠信、盡責(zé)”的服務(wù)理念，從真正提高孩子的全面素質(zhì)入手，為其提供專業(yè)的學(xué)術(shù)背景提升和課外活動規(guī)劃，其認(rèn)真、細(xì)致、人性化留學(xué)咨詢服務(wù)獲得了家長們極高的口碑。

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惠宜教育由留美化學(xué)博士波士頓Jing博士創(chuàng)辦。波士頓Jing博士從事全職留學(xué)顧問多年，身為頂級私立寄宿美高學(xué)生的媽媽，Jing博士是美國私立精英教育的受惠者、實踐者與傳播者，親自實地、多次走訪了美國東西部150多所學(xué)校，與許多私立初中、高中都建立起了密切的信任關(guān)系。團隊成員均畢業(yè)于哈佛大學(xué)、達特茅斯學(xué)院、埃姆赫斯特學(xué)院、紐約大學(xué)等名校，匯集了頂級美高迪爾菲爾德學(xué)院（Deerfield Academy ）和西城中學(xué) (Westtown School) 的前招生官，圣保羅中學(xué) (St. Paul’s School) 的人文學(xué)科老師，在加拿大、美國出生長大同時精通中英文的華裔文書老師等教育界精英，為學(xué)生提供高端到位的留學(xué)咨詢和規(guī)劃服務(wù)。團隊負(fù)責(zé)大學(xué)申請的美國顧問老師曾在哈佛大學(xué)招生辦協(xié)助工作，并曾長期擔(dān)任哈佛校友面試官，對美國藤校的招生喜好及錄取標(biāo)準(zhǔn)十分熟悉。

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